This is a story happen last Monday, after the Hari Raya Korban Eve. For your information, before this, i only had the experience of having my own room once. But now and onwards, i got my own room (i feel that being an intern give me many things new including new room. Hehe). My room is located at the end of the house, or to be more precise beside the kitchen (like a maid’s room but converted into my room). There is one mistake i do the night before i sleep. I drank 2 cups of pure coffee from Brazil.

As we know, coffee can make us awake at night. For a Nescafe, the effect is less than the pure coffee. As a result, i can’t sleep well that night but i need to sleep to go work tomorrow (i forgot to tell that i get internship placement at Johnson & Johnson). At 4 o’clock in the morning, i still can’t sleep soundly. Only my eyes are close tight but i can’t make myself go to sleep at all. Suddenly, i hear a sound of someone spraying ridsect at the kitchen. I thought it might be one of my families who spotted a cockroach in the kitchen. But soon after, i hear someone throwing a pot. Not one pot, but several pots.

i was so curious to know who cause the noise at this time of our. But at the same time, i do feel like not coming out from my room. I brave myself and peek through the windows. There is so many thing can happen that night. I thought of someone robbing my house and someone is fighting or struggle with him. After i had gathered enough strength and bravery, i peek. To my surprise, it was nobody else than my older brother. He was holding a ridsec and a sweeping broom. He saw me and gives me a signal to come and help. I feel relief and come put to see what he’s doing.

As i come out from the room and enter the kitchen, i get surprised. The kitchen is in total mess. The pots is scattered around here and there and there is an onion on the floor (my mom put her cooking ingredient in a basket. It happens that the basket is pushed around here and there and one or two onion spill out from the basket). The i ask him what he’s doing. As expected, he’s catching a Rattatoile.

Yes, a Rattatoile like rat is running around in the kitchen. He was in his room back then and suddenly, the rat comes out happily around him. Before this, my sister had told me that he saw a rat in the kitchen but i never saw any so i ignore it. Since my brother had spotted it tonight, this is the night it leaves our home. At first, we cornered it at one side of the kitchen. We block its path and give it only a small area to run away and easier for us to knock it dead. But when it comes out, both of us scream like a little girl and none of us are smashing our broom (i was holding a stick broom while my brother holds the sweeping broom). But the problem with our equipment is that both of it is too soft to kill.

After several screaming, smashing, (along the way, my sister in law come to see what happen in the kitchen. She thought both of us are having the brutalest (is this word even exist? Haha) fight among ourselves) and tumbling around the thing in the kitchen, it come out and i change my side of the broom to its handle and smash the rat as hard as i could (or more like bam bam in flinstone). The rat is almost dead with only 5% life left. Both of us were happy and excited like we won a telematch when we’re kids. We hi5 and feel satisfied. My bro then take the rat to finish it outside while i clean myself and went back to bed. It was fun killing a rat with my bro even though i had a bad dream in the next sleep and late for work. But it was worth it. No more Rattatoile in the house to scare my family. Hehe.

Last Saturday, my brother had his convocation. It was held at The Palace of The Golden Horses Hotel (Grand, isn’t it?). I don’t quiet sure why they choose to do it at this hotel. Yes it is a 5 stars hotel. But the contras is that each student can bring only 2 people they want to their convocation and a fee of RM100 need to be payed for each person. This is a difficult decision for a person to choose 2 people among their friends and family to bring to their convocation or to choose to save their RM200 instead of bring their friends or family. Maybe their place is to small to accommodate many people since their number of students that graduate today is quiet a number.

We depart from home early in the morning since the convo start at 10 o’clock. Arrived there, the first and foremost thing i wanna do is take many pictures there (mostly my picture. Hehe). Arrived there, we go and take my bro convo suit. When my mom and my bro wife done dressing him up, he went for a photography session. To my surprise, for one student to take their picture alone (the one that will have a bookshelf background. I wonder why bookshelf. Hehe.) is RM100 if i’m not mistaken. The price is higher if they want to take a family picture. What s price they put there. They are thinking that every students there will want to take their picture at their most proudest moment and put a high price for that. Huhu.

My brother choose his wife and mom to be in the room. It was a great decision but i can’t stop thinking what will my father think. But i sure want my mother and father to see my convocation :). But what can we do since only 2 are allowed per students. Between your mom and your father, who would you choose if it was you? Nobody can straightly answer that without thinking carefully especially if you think about either of their feeling. Huhu. While the convo is running, my father take us a tour around the hotel. Not much to be seen here at the hotel. There is no playground or arcade to played there while waiting. What a place to choose as a convocation place. What can other person who’re not in the convo room to do? After a short tour, we went back to lobby and settled there. I choose the most softy and comfortable chair and rest my body there. I fell asleep without knowing. Hehe.

It was a nice nap (more like cat nap). i went to my father and see him also sleeping. My sister is taking care of others there. I wonder how long will the convo take. I was surprise it is 2 hours program. I never went to a convo before. Even the one in UTP. Every time they held one, i had to go home for something urgent. Huhu. For the remaining 1 and a half hour, i went around the hotel lobby searching for any entertainment. There is a wall of fame where they held the picture of the vip that ever stayed there. After sreening all the faces there, I recommend my seat to my sisters and all three of us make ourself at home there while nother 3 of my siblings still at my father side. For the remaining time left, i played my game at my sister’s handphone. (if you’re wondering why not my handphone, since i got a nice camera, i gave it to my mom to take my brothers pic. Hehe.)

When the convo is finished, we group back at the lobby and take our family picture. There is much to write what happen along the waiting period but not very important to be told. We ask one pak cik to take our family picture there. But a problem arise where my handphone picture become blurry for each picture taken. It take time to readjust it but it can’t be fixed. But the picture taken is better after being adjusted. Another problem is that there is another thing inside the picture other than our family. It was the stick of that pak cik spectacle. But what can be done. We continue taking pictures of ourselve and went home after that.

That day is the most happiest day my brother ever had if i want to comment. He seems very happy to had his convocation today. But what i see most is the happiest faces of my parent. They must be very proud to see their first son had been so successful. What parent doen’t fell happy and satisfied when their children are successful. Eventhough they did not show from their expression (there is a kind of father tat show only serious face to their children even thought they feel happy at that particular time), one way or another you can see that they are happy. This make me more eager and spirited to do my best in my next 2 semester (is it?). Every child want to make his parent happy. Our parent had sacrifice many things to make us successful. It is up to us to take it or not. But making my parent happy is the greatest price to pay for every sacrifice they had made. Hehe.

I think i wanna go to sleep now. I had work tomorrow and since i’m using my little bro computer to write this blog, he seem like dying waiting for me to end. Shish. I will write when i had a free time like this. Maybe something that already happen one or two weeks ago. It doesn’t matter for me if anybody want to read it or not. Feel free to coment. Hehe.

I was so tired yesterday. I was not in campus the whole day. I want to write about what happen yesterday and the day before yesterday. But along writing this blog, I fall asleep thinking what to write next. Huhu. I think I’ll start with the day before yesterday soty and continue with yesterday story other time. So, here it is.

The day before yesterday, after CPDC final exam, my friends invited me to join their plan to go bathing at the waterfall in Ipoh. At first, I’m not sure that I’ll go with them. My friend (we called him Gjo) ask me whether I’ll come or not and I answered that “if there is a light shining upon me that make me feel about going, then I’ll go”. It’s not like I dun like to go socializing with my friend. I was not sure to come and I dun want to make any promise that can arise in creating a hope. If I say I want to go, then I’ll make preparation (like thinking what to wear, what to bring, what to buy for instance) for the trip. But I dun want to end up frustrating if suddenly the trip is cancelled and ruin my plan. Furthermore, there is a possibilities that I feel to tired tomorrow morning and end up not going to the trip. Then it will make them frustrated. So, not saying I’ll go is a good strategy for this situation. Hehe.

Last 2 night, we had gone to my friend’s triple purpose kenduri (Doa Selamat, Kenduri Arwah, and i forgot another one. or is double purpose…. forget already. Haha). It was held at his house in Taman Meru, Ipoh. The kenduri was not only attended by his family’s members and his parent’s colleague, it was also attended by half of his batch friends (or to be more specifically, propanian friends). At first, there was speech from his father saying thank you for all of us (and all his father’s friends and families) for coming that night. His father then passed the ceremony to the ustazs that conduct the ceremony of citing Yasin. The ceremony ends with the kenduri. The ceremony was smoothly and successfully done by the Ustazs. Let me tell you what grab my attention after citing the Yasin. It’s the way this Pak Cik head banging when zikir.

At first I follow the Ustazs and cite it with everyone else. After some times, this Pak Cik head banging make me what in Malay call terkesima. Without my knowing, I had stop citing and watch the Pak Cik with my mouth open. I dun know much of the history or benefit of this way when zikir. At first it looks odd and funny (kind like he is overdoing). But thinking back about it, he actually makes us more exited to zikir (and follow head banging with him).

Next is the the kenduri (eating time). I want to sit with my friend (my best friend), so I wait for him. We do sit together in one table, but unfortunately, my seat is at the wrong side of the table. It was a rectangular table. The first square is seated with Pak Ciks and the other square is with my friends. I end up sitting at the Pak Ciks side. Huhu. I can’t make my Gile-Gile there since I was being watched by them. Eventhough my friends is making their own noises, I was being quite to be extra polite. Waaaaaa.

The most unsatisfied in this kenduri is there is one of my friends that openly smoking along the kenduri. This is kind of rude since we’re at our friend house. Meaning, whatever we do, it will be reflected back at him. I remember the time of my brother’s wedding. There is one time where my brother’s friends and my friends come at the same time. Both of our friends sit at two different tables. When I was helping at the kitchen, one of my aunties said “look at those two tables. We can easily see whose friends belong to.” What I want to stress here is that when we’re at others people that relate to us, they will judge what we do and compare back to him/her. So it’s not wrong being extra polite at others people house to hold our own and other people dignity.

Today is not my day. I had multiple feeling occurring at the same time time. This is what i feel today:

sleepy (since I hadn’t sleep yet from yesterday sunset. I sleep too long yesterday and to make up for it, I take caffeine so that I can do something tonight. But what I don’t expect is an overdue project and assignment in study week. I manage to get the project from someone and take 2-3 hours modifying it to make it look different. I don’t mind getting low marks. I just don’t want the other person that I take the project form get low because of me. But what can i do at this crucial time. If that person does get low mark, i will go and see the lecturer and explain it. ) +

tired (since lack of sleep and lots of assignment to be done in study week which is not supposed to be any. What is the idea of study week if it is filled with projects and assignment? We supposed to spend our time studying quietly, without any tense at all. They sure take our study time a lot. If it hadn’t any coursework mark, I don’t think i will do it. THIS IS STUDY WEEK DEAR LECTURERS) +

sad (Since someone that willingly give me his portfolio to be copied give his portfolio to me with a furious impression, like he doesn’t want to give me to at all. Hello!! You say in the phone earlier when i ask where are you guys right now that you will give me yours when you done copying. Do you forget? Is it my fault? Is it my fault for eating while watching movie when you struggle to copy the assignment with other 6-7 person at the lecturer lounge? Do you realise what you had done? I read your tones. I know what that tone you use when you give it to me. Anybody can detect it.) +

disappointed (since i just know that the portfolio that people said is a compilation of notes and tutorials done is something else. And the time I know it is the moment to submit the portfolio. There is no such notice in the elearning saying about the detail of the portfolio. And it is our fault for not hearing what the lecturer said in the last lecture? +

furious (since not only the person who let me borrow his portfolio give it to me with furious tone, but he also make an unappropriated sequence of event such as the lift’s door closed and hurt my shoulder, making me wait without telling me where to go, urge me to finished early without purpose, ask me to quit watching movie at 1pm to do the portfolio which is almost the time for Friday prayer, saying sorry without meaning it. Ty. Ty so much for all your action today) +

stressed (all today problem combined with problems I already have is making me think a lot. Please, no more. I can’t take it anymore. I had trained myself to be emotionally sensitive and this is the consequences. I care too much of what people feel make me eat myself alive. I think about people feeling when I want to ask something, I care when I want to do everything, I care when I want to leave somewhere, I care when I want to buy something, I care in my every action. I’m not saying that I regret learning and consume myself in the realm of emotions but I got nothing beneficial out of it. It makes people happy being around me since I take action with full precaution but I don’t get the same from them. I end up eating myself alive.) +

confused (I don’t know what to do now. I’m at my limit. I had thought to extend of quitting a relationship with somebody. I was thinking too deep that I can’t say it anymore. I can’t say a word out of my mouth since I had given it all to my thinking. Please leave me alone for the coming 1 week. Let me recover back what I lost. Let me think more about me rather than thinking about others. I don’t want to turn to my old self anymore. Let me recover back to me, one you know this past 2-3 years and not the one before you met me. Huhu.) +

sick (I think I’m too stressed I wanna puke. LEAVE ME ALONE, PLEASE, I BEG YOU GUYS. DON’T LET ME SICK WITH HAVING YOU AROUND ME. WAAaaaaaaa)

Recently, I had celebrated my friend 21st birthday. Well, to simply describe it, the party is running smoothly but chocolaty. We celebrate it at our common room, at our residential block. The cake is imported from Secret Recipe sponsored by his cousin (if you’re wondering, his cousin is a girl. Is there a man willing enough to buy secret recipe cake for his friend? I surely don’t. Hehe). After bringing down some snacks and sodas, we call our whole batch whose are still here and not went for bowling that night to celebrate it. It was a boy’s party so it went messy. Even though there are two girls around, we seem like ignoring them and do our own party. It does feel odd when having a party with proportion of 10:1 man to girl. There are three to four persons who can’t handled being in this situation and quickly quit the party (after eating the Secret Recipe cake. Who can resist it? It is a chocolate cake with ice cream at the middle of each layer. I mouth is drooling thinking about it) and went back to their room. I prefer to stay and observe. Even though the party is a success, this is not exactly what we planned. This is what we had planned to celebrate it.

At 11pm the day before, my friend ( call him housemate A) suddenly come to me and tells me that they had planned to make a surprise party for his roommate (I happen to play TD that time. I still got four days till the first paper of final exam. Don’t got any mood to study yet. Somebody needs to pinch me now. Huhu). So he asks me to accompany him to buy the preparations. We do thought if we want to buy a cake. But what kind of bakery opens 24/7. So we decided to went to 7/11 outside UTP and see what can we buy there. When we arrived In front of it, I decided to go to the PETRONAS station instead. I got a feeling that I want to buy something there.

In there, we search for snack and sodas. Then, I search for anything that can be considered as cake. We went to the bread section and we only found only three kind of cake. I suggested that we take banana cake as the birthday cake and we laugh at each other for a moment (Actually, I was serious of buying it. I wanna see what kind of expression people make when they are having banana cake as birthday cake. The only reason they will be happy are if they are banana cake maniac, or they’re being sarcastic which is feeling very disappointing follow by feeling of throwing the cake to their friend face, or even better if they’re thinking that they have a friend who like to make experiment with their life and they had get used with it. Muahaha). In the end, we buy a bunch of snacks, peanuts, two A&W sodas and one Sprite, and one butter cake in case we desperately want to have cake.

I have a feeling that there is something here that I should buy for the party. Something that ordinary shop doesn’t usually sell. It is cotton candy. They sell cotton candy here at PETRONAS station. There is a day where I went out with him (Let call him birthday boy to avoid confusion) and we went to buy something here. When Birthday Boy saw cotton candy was sell they, he make a very happy expression (addictive drooling kind of impression as if he want to eat all of it). He’s a cotton candy lover. So I snatch 2 plastic of it and add it at the counter (Which is full of snacks). We went back to UTP and along the way, we plan what to do later. After we arrived, my housemate (this is housemate B) got a call saying that they’re going to celebrate it tomorrow with cake. Well, I thought of having it with our batch only as we planned but thinking that the time is way past midnight, I think doing tomorrow is a good idea. At first I object since he will be going to KL tomorrow but he said he’ll be back at the same day. I guess what we had planned is not successful that night.

The night that day, after dinner (thanks aymni for the free dinner), along the way to our block, suddenly one of my housemate (let him be Housemate C) say “Biler nak makan kek Jannah”. We we’re shock since first, we thought of making it a surprise and Housemate C ruin it, and secondly since Birthday Boy’s cousin is in front of us with cake which also ruin the surprise. I dun know what had become to both of them. Both unintentionally blew off the surprise planned for the past 21 hours. But we can’t blamed both of for revealing the surprise since Housemate C don’t really know that we plan to make it a surprise and I think Birthday Boy’s cousin send a message to one of us saying that she’ll come and bring the cake but due to the low signals around our block, the message did not arrived at time. I guess we can’t plan a surprise party without full participant from everybody (at least tell everyone that this is a surprise) and a good hand phone signal. Huhu.

Along the day, I can’t seem to take my time to say Happy Birthday to Birthday Boy. Actually, I dun like wishing anybody Happy Birthday. Not because there is something relating to religious (since this is not our thing), but because I had a feeling that it is not me who supposed to be the first, second, third or fourth person to wish anybody Happy Birthday. Some people care who’ll first wish them. Some will be furious if you’re the first person who wishes them since they want somebody else to be the first. What I mean is, they want the person important to them to wish first. Such people are their mom, dad, bf, gf, or maybe their granny that they think should remember their day of birth. So, dun had hurt feeling if I dun wish you happy birthday. I dun forget or don’t care about it. I just give someone else the change to wish first.

Last week, i went to my organization family day (Which one is better? Club or organization? Both sound tiring and pressuring. Haha.). It was held on Saturday. I thought the time will overlap with my replacement class but it didn’t. So, I can’t give that as a reason to be excuse from coming (I really dun wanna go). So, I make a promise that if another friend of mine go, I will go. The best about this promise is my other friend need to be wake up or he’ll miss it. If he misses it, then I will not go either. Unfortunately that morning, he wakes up early by himself.

Overall view, the morning program is not for me. First, the participant is younger than me. Even though the different is 1 or 2 years old, but I dun feel comfortable around them. I dun have any grunge with younger people. It just most of youngster nowadays does not have any respect for elders. The first time you met, they’ll be nice and respect you. The next time, after they know one or two about you, they start to change to what in malay called “pijak kepala”. That is the reason why I said I wouldn’t come if my other friend doesn’t come but along the activities, he left me alone in youngster world. That is so cruel of him.

Secondly, the activities are not for person like me. I don’t mind running around, answering question this and that. What I can’t stand is doing activities that have objectives. Let me explain. First and foremost, this is a family day. From my experience, family day is supposed to be where family like people gather around to do something fun together. And none of my family day till that day, have an objective in their activities. Will you have fun when whatever you do that day has a meaning behind it? If it is a motivational program I don’t have problem with it. But for family day, this is absurd. I certainly don’t have fun doing something thinking that “what is the reason we do this?” . Family day supposed to be fun and not educational.

What I like most in the morning program is the Usrah session. For people who never had one, Usrah is a process of knowing each other. You tell every person what you want them to know about you. In that day, we had several Usrah based on criteria. 1^st criteria are according to month of birth follow by place of birth and lastly colour of shoes. This is much fun than running around in the academic block since it does not have any objective. The task is just introduces yourself so that people will know you the next time they see you around the campus. In this session, we had even introduced ourself in a form of poem. In the process, we share riddles, share what the most unforgettable experience we had in the university, and even share a few tips for people who’re going to apply for the internship next semester.  Who know introducing yourself to people can be this fun.

The last program is the dinner. It was held at 5pm. Actually, at that same time, we still had a replacement class. A good thing is that our head of department is in the class and he went to the lecture telling that we will leave the class early. At 4.50pm, after our leader stand up, all of us members stand up and leave the class together. Well, if I’m in the lecturer shoe, there is several feeling and thinking I can have.

1. Is my class this boring that they rather go to their dinner?
2. Are they really this many of people to go to the dinner or is there a fake among them?
3. Don’t they think my class is more important than their dinner?
4. Don’t they have respect to leaving the class when I’m still teaching in front?
5. Don’t they think this topic will come out in the exam? Do they think they’re so smart not to listen to my lecture?

Thinking about it, we do have the lecturer permission. Is just that the time we leave the class in not appropriate. There is a moment when the lecturer is editing the slide and not teaching. I do ask the leader to leave at that moment to avoid making any disturbance when the lecturer is teaching but he did not understand. Since I’ve been teaching SPM’s student for a while, I do feel what the lecturer feel when our student leave the class while we’re teaching. It disturb our feeling of teaching, distract other students who want to hear our lecture, it’s a waste of time since we had to get our students attention back, and it can make us forget what we want to say at that particular time. Sorry Mr Khor. We didn’t mean to dishonor you. We do like your teaching by the way.

This is the part that make we want to write this blog. At the speech before the dinner, the committee have to seat at the front facing the members. The first person who gave a speech is the head of all the departments. Well, in my opinion, his speech is a little bit long. Who in the world want to hear a long speech before dinner? At that particular time, most of us are thinking about the food. I’m glad that his speech is motivational and inspiring which is not a waste of time listening. He will pass his position as the head of all departments to someone else next semester to go for internship. After the speech given by the head of all departments, to my surprise, there is no speech given by our head of department. If I’m a head of department and this family day is an appreciation for my subordinate under my wing, I think I have to say something even “thank you for all your good work” to the members under my department. I’m not sure if this is his decision of not giving one.

After the speech, there is a ceremony of giving souvenirs to every person who had put their effort in teaching their students from UPSR, PMR, and SPM. This again surprised me since our head of department is only helping in giving the souvenirs, instead of giving it to us. If I remember correctly, in every event, there is a person who in charge of helping this kind of ceremony. There is also a ceremony of giving prize for the participant of morning session. If the part of giving the price is not given by our head of department, it’s ok for me. But not giving the souvenirs personally to the subordinate under him is an insult for a leader. I dun know if the flow is well prepared by the MC or this is a last minutes preparation. For a formal organization, this is not a better way to done it.

At first I fell odd seeing my head of department face change. The first face he makes is a happy face. Along the speech and forward, his face changes to what seems like people feeling insulted and a little bit sad. Is he that hungry to make such kind of faces? But after putting my self into his position, I do feel that kind of way. Firstly, the family day is an appreciation for what he and us have done as facilitators. At least what he can do there is giving some motivational speech for the new generation that gonna replace our position since we’re going to internship or at least say thank you for our great job. A little honour will not gonna cost you. Just make him feel that he is being appreciated and look like an important member of the organization. This is my point of view. I evaluate people by their way of handling people emotion. We’re not just striving for greatness. Care for peoples feeling that might get hurt in doing our job. (empathy, not sympathy ok? Sympathy will only make things worst).

At the end of the dinner, nobody notice anything wrong about our head of department. If you’re reading this blog my friend, plz forgive me if what i see is not exactly what you feel. You told me yourself from your face. I can’t ignore it since i can read it. Maybe somebody doesn’t care about these small2 things that occur in their life. But if we don’t hesitate to change it, nobody will ever change it for you. You choose what you want people to do to you. If you don’t mind, then people don’t mind doing it again since you did not say anything from their action.

Yesterday, my friend and i went to a program called “Corporate Grooming”. The program is from 8am to 10pm (as stated in the tentative given). well, i can’t said that it helps me in transforming me into a well rounded corporate since i only attend the program at 8pm, which is a dinner time. You think i’m stupid for not going into a program that i had paid RM35?

i do wake up before 8am. i was watching movies all night. While watching the movies, i do offer my friend to go for my place but he is not interested to become keparat (corporate is somehow keparat) and i dun have anybody to ask at that time since it is at 3am. So i went to sleep knowing that i definitely won’t go to the program. Why i won’t go? I dun know either. But this is what happens.

At 8am, my friend do wake me up (actually, i had awake already since the sound of them showering is very loud) to go to the grooming. i went to my other friend room and say to him that i won’t go to the grooming today. i just dun have a feeling to go. He does seem like disturbed with my word. Maybe thinking that i’m an idiot for not going after paid for it. i went back to my room, lock the door and continue sleeping. What a great sleep i had since i woke up at 3 pm. Hehe.

i do think that i definitely can’t go to the groom anymore. Then, my friend that had gone the morning session told me we’ll have dinner tonight as our closing ceremony. Well, i dun think i wanna miss this. This can cover the money that i had paid (even though not very satisfying. i still feel hungry.) and see the people who handle this program.

Well, the most unsatisfying thing there is that my chair is not facing the stage. They have a card on the table with our name and photo to make us easily find our place (i dun get any of that card for souvenir). They do phone me in the morning asking whether i would come to grooming and ask whether i could at least come for the closing ceremony (since i said i’m busy). i said that i’m not sure that i can make it. Maybe that’s the reason they put me at that position.

The first performance is an undead dance (dead like people dancing. The undead girls seem sexy. Haha.), followed by a band performance, solo piano performance and lastly an Indian dance (it seem like Indian dance but who cares). At the end of the dinner, they have a short fashion show (their motif is that they sell it there if we wanna buy it. nice move).

After i finished my desert, the time is almost 10pm already. i had a meeting at 10.30 later and i dun think i want to be late for that. So i skip the photo session and said to my friend i go home first. The road to my hostel is not so far and not so scary. The best part is it, is its raining and i’m wearing a formal cloth with an old leather jacket that i got when i study at PASUM (i got the title Van Helsing at PASUM wearing this jacket).

At the time i study at PASUM, I always put this jacket on my head when it’s raining to avoid getting my head and bag soak. I did the same today, and the smell of the jacket makes me wanna cry, such that I had found something that i had lost for many years. i wear this jacket everyday when i’m studying in PASUM. Even thought the weather is hot, i still wanna wear it. Along the way to my room, i said to myself “i don’t think it is a waste for coming to the dinner. It reminds me of who i am, how victorious i had been at that time, the time where there is no such word as give up and tired, the time that i always said “if i think i want it, its mine already, only God can stop me to achieve it””

I always say to myself,
I don’t need people by my side,
I don’t need anyone watch over me,
I don’t need good friend to help me,
I don’t need an older brother to think of me,
I don’t need all this people to concern about me.

I’m always alone,
I never want to talk once,
Being quite is an absolute defense for me,
I don’t need to bother others with such silly thing,
Why should you bother others if you could do it yourself,
I had the power to order,
But for what purpose,
I don’t have the desire to power to begin with,
I don’t need other people by my side.

I’m always alone,
I always watch others,
Why does people be friendly,
Are they weak?
Don’t they have the strength to do it themselves?
Don’t they feel bothered with many people around them?
Don’t they treasure their privacy?
Or did they wear a mask to befriend others?
What profit did they get form others?
Money? Power? Rank? Popularity? Pleasure?

I’m always alone,
I always say to myself,
You’re born alone,
You’ll die alone,
why not spend your life alone?
Can you bring others with you when you die?
Do they care about you when you sick?
Do they help you when you are in trouble?
Does a good friend really needed in this life?

I’m always alone,
Even though I had family,
I keep myself away from them,
I do thing myself,
I care only myself,
I don’t need them to help me.

Then I realize,
Even though I depend on myself,
I need others too,
Who else care for you if not your family,
Who else comfort you if not your friend,
Who else help you if not Allah,
So I said to myself,
You’re not alone in this world,
It is me who keep myself alone from others,

So I open the windows of my heart,
I open the door of my mind,
I unlock the feeling of happiness and joy,
Along with the feeling of caring and loving,
So that I can help others,
So that I can be like others,
So that I can change my mind set,
That Allah create us human being not 100% perfect,
And with others and you helping each other,
We’re almost perfect.